Closure

I’m getting this insomnia again, or just procrastination of sleep. Either way, when this thing happens to me, my mind always wanders off and this time, out of the blue, i’m thinking about closure.

Starts with, some thought about my last relationship, what could have or should have happened. It’s just every little details of it occurred in every little thing that i do, eg. when i tried to sleep with my ipod on, it suddenly reminded me on one night when we had a fight, i left him at the bar, and just went to bed with ipod on (always do that when i can’t sleep). But in a few hours later he came back while i was asleep and took my earphone off, took my novel, made my blanket and kissed me in the forehead, even after i left him abruptly. Things like that just won’t go away. I guess I wasn’t as over our breakup as I thought. 

I’ve tried to overcome it, by deleting his number for example, but it turns out, I memorized it. You can’t delete contacts from your brain. I realize if you ever want to have closure you have to try, sometimes i feel i am never going to have closure. We’ve been through many things together, ups and downs, i was his rock, and he was mine. And the next thing I know, he called it off. It just… ended. And no matter how much i try to forget that it happened, it will have never not happened. Him and I will always be a loose end. We’ll always be… unfinished.

Most of the time, it’s just too difficult, or too scary. It’s only once you’ve stopped that you realize how hard it is to start again. So you force yourself not to want it. But it’s always there. And until you finish it, it will always be unfinished. You keep on searching, while you’re waiting for that sound. What you find, ain’t what you had in mind. And even though it didn’t happen right away, i finally got some closure. Finished with that.

Letting go of our dream was the best decision I ever made. I’m happy, and I’m not letting go of that. I’ve got to build another dream, and maybe finish it up with someone who knows my worth. Well, i still believe that sometime things happen for a reason, therefore i find my closure must be for a reason. Let’s say, I’ve gotta start all over again at some point.

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