(Another) Random Talk

It’s now past midnight and i just got home from work, thought about writing my trip both in Sabah and Bali when i was driving home, but i ended up postponing it again, argh..why am i so lazy even to write something i like. There’s so many things in my mind right now, is it because late meeting i had just before i was about to pack my laptop and go home or usual cause which is my last relationship, i don’t know, it seems everything falls down at the same time, maybe i’ll get better things at the same time aswell, Heaven knows.

I have planned this Euro trip for months, i have even booked my itinerary and looked for hostels (Lord, it is soo expensive for a bed at backpacker hostel in Paris!), it was all settled, all i need to do was to apply Schengen visa. But today i learnt that at the end of this year i have to go to another city for minimum 2 weeks assignment, well after i took a glance at my desk calendar without my boss noticing it of course, i will be free again next year. Surprise.. But it’s not all that bad, cos i get an assignment in same city where my family lives, i get to see them for two weeks. I try to see the bright side, maybe i wasn’t meant to go to Europe on my own, maybe i will go there oneday with my partner, haha. Well i hope so anyway.

The next thing that swimming in my mind right now is..i know this European guy, he’s nice, funny, and extremely cute, haha for real! Despite the fact that he may or may not like me, i just can’t like him, like you know like ‘like’ (that’s just too many likes). We have same interests which usually attract me, and have i said that he’s super cute? Yeah that one too. He’s just a package of jackpots, outgoing funny guy, not a phony, not a sweet talker, but a good listener, family man and cute too (there i said it again), and the most important thing, he’s cute? (Oh come onnn!) haha, nahh.. Is we have the same belief. See, what a one of a kind guy! But silly me are not that into him. Well i have good reasons for that. First, i know where i stand and not a chance to win him, nah uh, and that thought may come out of fear that he could hurt me too, that i’m actually too damn scared to take a risk in the name of love, not to mention believing something or someone again is kinda on my last to do list. And second, i think it will be unfair for him because something is kinda still holding me back.

But what is? Well it’s a bit weeping story, i was just thinking why am i still clinging to my ex (gee, not THAT stuff again! I know, right?). I’ve just found out that true love feels like this, at this very moment, i know that it will never happen, not in here not in hell, if he wanted to come back, i would do it all over again and it would be like if he had never gone. No matter how hard he tries to make me hate him, i just can’t. I even begged at him, please make me hate you. People might say i’m a fool, stupid, pathetic girl, trust me i call myself all of those, but once again no matter how hard i try to hate him, i just can’t. Now he has someone new in his arms and probably the reason for all this mess, i still can’t hate him. This might sound crazy, but i trully am happy for him (well after a few days since i found it out though), that now he has found himself a real happiness, and deep down inside i hope that he won’t go through all those arguments, tears, fears, and whatnot with her. Not like our old days. Crazy eh?

It’s not like i don’t wanna let him go, it’s just i learnt that when you trully love someone, you will put his/her happiness before yours, hate and revenge won’t be in your words ever. You will let him/her go, bury all your memories, and literally pray in the middle of the night that someday someone will love you as much as you did. Your tears will dry and you will learn to trust people again like you used to. You will mean the world to someone, but not him/her. Eventually you will.

* I’m crossing my finger that no one mentioned on this post will read. I’ve got a good hunch for that, because this guy i’m talking about has no interest of stalking me, good relieve, haha.. And my ex, well he’s an ex with new girl, definitely will not give a damn shit about what i do, let alone what i write. So i think i’m safe, lol.

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