Now I can say that, I’m single

 

There is no cry of pain without, at its end, an echo of joy -Ramon de Campoamor

It takes every nerve in me to say it. Feels like an announcement from me that I’m currently not attached to any romantic relationship anymore. I’m not gonna write about why it ended, well maybe a little, but it’s not my main thing right now. What I want to tell you about is, you will never know your true friend nor even family until you’re in a very low, excruciatingly painful and hard moment and they just come to you without you asking them to.

When he decided to end us, I was actually sick, I just got back from overseas did my scuba diving, absolutely really tired, went to emergency room in the morning and in the evening he called it off. So i was bleeding literally and got the news at the same time, you picture it, it was hell. And if you think i was weeping around, you’re wrong, I’m a strong willed person and I won’t let what’s mine gone just like that. I tried everything that I can think of, everything. Even went to Bali to learn how to surf (yes, I’m a surfer too now!). For what? Only to impress him. Pathetic? Tell me about it!

But in my terrible days, who came to me is not the person who caused it nor some guy who said love me at the first sight during my trip, but my family and friends. My friends at work text me all the time telling me to eat something or just asking how I feel, if I didn’t reply they would call me. I couldn’t eat anything for 2 weeks, I went absent for work for days, I didn’t even take shower. But when my friends knew that I jeopardized my work and put possibility to harm myself (jump off my balcony for example), they came to my apartment, bringing me food, feeding me, trying to make me smile again. Wiped my tears and cleaned my vomit. That’s when i realized, I haven’t lost everything.

Then there was my family, my mum and dad and my little sister, whom I kept secret from, nearly traded them over a guy who I thought was my everything. My mum called me almost every night telling me that after a great pain there will come greater happiness (okay i burst into tears right now). She listened to me crying and talking gibberish with great patience for 2 weeks! One night I couldn’t control my feelings, it was late at night and I know it was past her bedtime, I just sobbed, didn’t say anything and she listened to my silence for hours until she said I’d be better sleep now, and I said like a little girl, don’t hang up now please I need to know that you’re there. She said I was always like that when I was little especially when I was sick or on my first day at school, always make sure that my mum is there where I can see her, or hear her in this case.

I never knew that I’ve made my dad worried all the time. I didn’t want to cry in front of my dad, I wanted him to know that i’m his tough, strong, independent girl. But when my dad learnt about what happened to me he was sad, so sad that my mum saw one or two tears in his eyes when he prayed. I know that he would never let anyone hurt his little girl, but this is all just out of his control because I never tell him anything about this, if I did I know that he would give me a really great advice (my dad is really good at giving advice because he is so calm and wise, wish I could be like him) and perhaps none of this would happen to me.

Ah well, there’s 3 things I have done enough, regret, revenge, random act. So I forgive myself and stop blaming myself. Mistakes happen because God let them to, but when I realize mine that’s when God doesn’t allow me to continue. So then I never regret my past nor my mistakes because when I look back I actually am grateful for leaving them behind, I’m proud of what I’ve become now. Therefore, let it be like God wants it to, let it go like it’s supposed to, and it will feel lighter like it should be.

*Only 2 months before our 3rd anniversary – October, 11th 2008, tomorrow will be a month since I was dumped – July, 10th 2011

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