G..friend of mine…he’s bule too,,he lives in Bali now..he said that bule are bad..u dont trust them..i lil bit shocked..n why was that?…he said again..try now..define to me what is ‘good’?..i defined ‘good’ as my perception,,n of course what ‘east’ defining….well..we have different culture,,whats ‘good’ for us is ‘bad’ for u…

n then i got clicked..hm,,i guess so..see i really adore marin..he’s kinda understand me..polite guy i guess..funny also…yeah seems like my type…seems nice guy….but G said..yeah they’re always ’seems’…gosh i dont know that until i looked back into myself…

i always get online evri single minute,,waiting for marin online too…n when we were chatting,,i was waiting still like an idiot..cz he said (or he seems) busy at work…i never leave my laptop for any sec,,,as i attempt to get some answer,,which has no meaning at all…just make me happy by that time,,for one day only…

and the rest of my day?…seems like i still put my hope into no one…G really open my eyes..that means i cant trust bule anymore,,include G of course…cz he’s kinda attempt to persuade me…but its ok,,as long as i can accept it as a joke….u know he always babe me n tell me about something he was doing…uugghh gross…..

the point is G said that u cant put hope or trust to any bule…cz u’re different..that’s all…..too many difference to be consisted with…well then…i got planned for meet marin personally,,but i think it’s better for me if i just close my profile there n no more bule….but i still i hope that G is wrong….cz if it so,,i have to go back to my ordinary life then….un-special life…just live,,breath,,n not enjoying the ride…..

am i that desperate?…all i know i’ve been left for couple times..i dont know where to go…so when i got a way to get some penpals from abroad,,i didn’t waste that opportunity…dont ask how,,cz it’s just a coincidence…

n here i am…i have meet this guy..nice,,handsome,,cute,,n single of course,,hoho…

that’s him..his height is 193cm..very tall huh?…i love tall guy…

rest of it…let it be my little secret… ::wink::

I cant fight this feeling any longer
And yet Im still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship, has grown stronger
I only wish I had the strength to let it show

I tell myself that I cant hold out forever
I said there is no reason for my fear
Cause I feel so secure when were together
You give my life direction
You make everything so clear

And even as I wander
Im keeping you in sight
Youre a candle in the window
On a cold, dark winters night
And Im getting closer than I ever thought I might

And I cant fight this feeling anymore
Ive forgotten what I started fighting for
Its time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars, forever

Cause I cant fight this feeling anymore
Ive forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crashing through your door
Baby, I cant fight this feeling anymore

My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you
Ive been running round in circles in my mind
And it always seems that Im following you, girl
Cause you take me to the places that alone Id never find

And even as I wander Im keeping you in sight
Youre a candle in the window on a cold, dark winters night
And Im getting closer than I ever thought I might

yes.. r.e.o speedwagon..some people said he’s singing from heart..but other said he sings from hair..haha..yeah whatever they said i just feel that this song..hmmm…..awesome..i think that he really know how to say that damn feeling in a song….and hes damn right…thats exactly represent me and other people like me…..

i realize now that i was wrong for letting this feeling ruining my life…i had sufficient time for blamed it on myself,,why cant i just fight this feeling for my own best?..but at that time my lamebrain just controlled evri stupid thing i’ve done…yep…its about choosing wat we think is best enuff for ourself..n life will always be a cross-road for us to choose…n evrithin’s taken has its own consequence(s)….like i do now…broken hearted as my consequence and my path from thing i’ve chosen before….from choosing im-not-gonna-fight thing…

fall in love or fall in hate..get inspired or get depressed..ace a test or flunk a class..speak the truth or lie and cheat..dance on table or sit in the corner..life is divine chaos..embrace it..forgive urself..breath….and enjoy the ride……-solbeam-

]]> http://ichaalley.wordpress.com/2008/08/17/cant-fight-this-feeling/feed/ icha alley http://ichaalley.wordpress.com/2008/08/16/vanished-into-thin-air/ http://ichaalley.wordpress.com/2008/08/16/vanished-into-thin-air/#comments Sat, 16 Aug 2008 04:15:04 +0000 icha alley http://ichaalley.wordpress.com/?p=122

im sitting alone with pieces of my heart,,cudgel brain looking for an answer,,how’d u do this to me?..i mean,,with no goodbye?..u cant just vanished into thin air n why i cant reach u anymore?..see,,im not calling for a chance,,i just need u to tell me if theres sumone fills ur couch replacing my space,,just tell me..as u saying it to me…sumthin i say is sumthin i do..n when i said i’ll tell u evrithin..it means ‘everything’..remember dat u said so,,huh?…n look what u do now??…u such a..um..lets say..full of crap..wats bout dat,,huh?..

i care for u..theres nothin i wouldnt do for u..cz u taught me evrithin…i cant imagine dat evrithin u’ve said now like a piece of crap for me…u’re not as gentle as i always think..u run from me…covering urself with worst reasons ever exist on earth….d’main point is hiding…yes u hide,,hide from question which will come from me…u cant prepare the crap answer for ur best…

maybe its time for me to let u go..even i never expected walking into this black hole questions tailspinning…after all these years…almost 4 years im waiting for ur answer..through more than one heart which had filled emptiness between…filled my head with hope…but dats not worked i guess…cz u still left without letting me know dat u’ve walked away fade into without-me-future….

this mistake i always scare about…but for the sake of convenience..u always said “dun be scared..theres nothin i wouldnt tell u”….hm…i bet u forgot u’ve said dat crap…but now let my brain just chewed off of ur memories…cz it hurts me evritime i have to remind these stuff…n this scar will never gone…scratched into the deepest of my-fixed-heart-already..u just opened the bandage i took…

lonely heart remains in my scattered night..far in the distance to one reason..’why’ word seems meaningless as i whispering it in my ears…just silence i got…with no u inside….

i screaming hed off for an answer..blaming evrithin for an unfair life i got..feel like im lost..knowing not which way to turn..i cant go anywhere..stuck at nothing…

i want to dwindle into vanishing point..no more bury the hatchet..i want to care about nothing…

light shines in the darkest of places..in my broken heart there is a gentle spark that shines steadfast..only to enlighten the world when it flames..

but my heart is still broken…i am still broken….

my unplanned trip didnt stop in bandung actually…n my stories stores in my draft..but i dun know why i want to write wat i feel rite now first…cz i just have being-abandoned-feeling again..for some people who never been left by sumone,,this feeling seems to be a joke….

im doing too much to hold on to this strange relationship..i was trying to be patience..for whom have a feeling like this..i can tell u,,dun feel unworthy cz of she/he left u..or feel like u should do more effort to vindicate or keep ur relationship much longer…u got to believe dat she/he will feel sorry for leaving u…

i had more than enuff eatin this stuff..from being abandoned cz by another woman,,being dumped cz he just get bored with me,,to being left cz he got very sick n passed away were his end road….and trust me dats all have the same feeling…doesnt matter if im abandoned by his choice or God choice….

see..cold feeling,, sumthin-wrong-in-me,, i-should-try-harder,, lonely,, unbeloved,, my mind isnt in d rite place,, my heart n my head isnt in the same way too,,i feel like i cant let go but cant move on either,,n pain-seems-cant-be-healed which never imagined before make me feel ditched n it’d kill me,,came with every beat of my breath..n dats wat i feel rite now…

but as my time running i’d learn dat sumtime we just cant get wat we want even we tried so hard to get it…n wat we want isnt always wat we need…i’d realize dat i cant come after destiny…or arrange it…i’d try to accept the fact dat nothing will bring him back…

so if u’ve been left off n still regret or still workin on it…u just waste ur precious time..u are special and so are we all…dun let those sons of bitches ruined ur life…let u down…u have to take off wat u’ve planned before..for ur life…it’s time to put the pain behind u…

whatever gonna happen is gonna happen…dats fate..we actually living in a borrowed time already..so it’ll be damned if it has wasted by one person…suicidally reckless for conjuring one person so bad isnt an elegance way to thank to God for beautiful life had given to us….

so hed off him/her… “u leave me?..ooh dats gud..cz im sick with ur crap..n as u sayin it im done eatin ur crap too…thanks honey”…believe me..dat’s his/her lost not urs….n life is easier n brighter without regret in it….there’s a lotta luv waiting for u outside….dun worry..u’ll b loved by sumone better than dat asshole…….

sebenernya ga ada rencana ke bandung…cuma paz lagi beresin koper waktu mw balik kesurabaya..eh nemu kunci apartemen jakarta…hm…truz diem bentar…mikir…ngitung duit di dompet tinggal berapa…ngitung kancing…ke jakarta..ngga…ke jakarta..ngga…eh ternyata mentoknya ke jakarta deh…akhirnya tanpa rencana kebandung dlu baru ke jakarta cz ga ada kereta yg langsung dari banjar ke jakarta..jadi harus transit bandung dlu..kebetulan ada sodara disana..jadinya….bandung im comiinngg….

baru kali ini aq ke bandung naek kereta….dari banjar kn jm 4 an gt….jd aq sempet ngeliat pemandangan waktu matahari baru muncul….wahhh….indahhh bgt…so beautiful….aq ngeliat sengkedan (sawah bersusun.red)..jd inget jaman sd dulu…”sawah apa yg tumpuk”?”….”sengkedan buuu!!!”….sembako kali ditumpuk”…dasar bu guru…hehehe…….gtw rasanya damai bgt ngeliat pemandangan yg ky gt….hm..waktu ini aq blm tau pemandangan sepanjang bandung-jakarta….

sampailah aq dibandung..disana udah dijemput ma sodaraqu…wahh..kangennya ngeliat ponakan kecilqu..wah sekarang udah masuk tk dia….seneng bgt dia aq kasi boneka kodok..hehe…nie anak ngefans bgt ma aq loh…jd waktu lebaran kemaren dia sempet kerumahqu..truz we spent time 2gether..seiring dg spending time itu dia mulai mengagumiqu….saking ngefansnya..dia skrg ganti nama jd icha…haha….lucu y..orang ancur gn difans-in….sarap..sarap..

hm..bnernya ga ada yg menarik sih waktu dikereta dari bandung jakarta (baca: ga ada cowok yg menarik)..haha…bukannn..mksdna ga ada kejadian unik…cuman kebetulan segerbong ma (kyna) pejabat pjka gt..secara keliatan bpk” keren dg id pjka menempel di jas mereka…sayang sepertinya mereka terlihat sudah mempunyai cucu gt..haha….tuwir….

nah paz lgy gitu ada seorang pemuda tb” dateng n dg gobloknya nanya ke bapak” disitu..”pak kursinya kosong ga?”…emang byk kursi kosong sih..secara qta kelas eksekutif gt..hehe….truz si bapak nanya lgy..”emang beli tiketnya kelas apa?”…dg stupidipitypitypity dia bilang…”bisnis pak..tapi saya biasanya jg gpp duduk di eksekutif”…yah bego tuh mas”…apa ga liat id pjka segede gaban nempel di dada sang bapak..mana serombongan gt..apa mw ditawur bareng…

akhirnya rada seru tuh..si pemuda dg ngotot gobloknya pgn duduk disitu….sementara sang bapak pjka dg ngototnya jg bilang klo itu adalah kelakuan ilegal…yah parah deh pknya…bikin rame aja tuh mas”…tp lmyn lah jd ada hiburan….haha lo kata topeng monyet kali hiburan…..

rest of perjalanan…saya liat” pemandangan diluar….hm….bagus bgt…ky di pilem heri poter tuh…yg keretanya dia lewat jembatan tinggi dibawahnya jurang gt..truz lewat gunung”…hutan”…keren dah pknya…yah 11-12 lah pemandangannya ma keretanya si heri itu….

hm…tp kyna lain kali klo mw ke bandung dr jkt ato vice versa…kyna naek travel aja deh..secara naek kereta tuh lamaaa bgt…cm saran…tp mgkn bagi penikmat pemandangan naek kereta y much better scenery-nya…bikin keinget terus ma indahnya alam indonesia….*alahh…visit indonesian year kaleee….

yep..hr nie hr selasa…byk yg hrs aq lakukan pada hari ini…yg pertama adalah mengunjungi nenek….setelah itu mengunjungi sodara” yg lama ga ketemu..ato bahkan yg blm pernah ketemu sm sekali….emang sih dari awal dah dibilangin mami klo sodara yg bkal aq temui ini adalah orang” yg hidupnya dalam kekurangan…..jadi aq memutuskan untuk membawakan oleh” berupa sembako aja daripada duit….

jadilah aq belanja buanyak….truz dibagi” menjadi beberapa bungkusan….dan aq jg sempet beli oleh” buat dosenqu yaitu…kue semprong (tau kn…kue yg rapuh bgt…tp enak rasanya..) semprong yg enak cm dijual di toko yang udah berdiri dari taun 1950an…panjang umur bgt tuh toko…

berhubung banjar adalah kota kecil..jadilah aq naek becak kemana”…smpe kepikiran apa aq rent a becak aja y..sp taw lebih irit..hehe….dan taukah sodara becak disana itu lebarnya hanya 3/4 dr becak surabaya….jadi sebenernya itu didesain untuk 1 passenger only…jd klo kmn” ma uwa rasanya ky naek angkot full gt…dan yg bkin miris…mang (bhs sunda: artinya abang) becaknya tuh kurus” bgt,,klo ngga y udah tua gt…duh jd ga tega…tp klo jalan gtw tempat…jd y terpaksa….kadang kepikiran “apa gantian aja y ma si mamang ini”..tp ntar mlah byk yg nyetop becak saya lgy….hehehe…..

day 3…aq pergi ke tempat sodara yg lama ga ketemu dan bahkan ga pnh ketemu ma sekali…dan bner apa kt nyokap…aq ga nyangka bgt aq pny sodara yg bner” dalam kekurangan…rumah yg seadanya…..tp ada jg yg aq ga nyangka pny sodara yg ganteeenngggg bgt…haha sayang ms sodara….yeah,,mereka seneng bgt aq dtg lsg cerita” masa kecilqu,,mereka semua pd blg “ga kerasa y skrg icha udah lulus kuliah”….

well..waktu emang ga mw kompromi dg keadaan qta..sesusah apapun..seseneng apapun idup yg lgy qta jalanin dia tetep aja jalan dg cepet..meninggalkan qta yg kadang nyesel dg tindakan qta diwaktu lampau..yg bkin qta deg”an akan misteri dimasa depan…jd yg bz qta lakukan adalah berbuat yg sebaik”nya tiap hr…seperti mereka..orang” disana yang berjuang buat hidup..tanpa menyalahkan their fate and their poverty…dan aq diam” berjanji klo nanti aq bakalan mengunjungi mereka lgy..semoga nanti aq bz membantu mereka lebih dr yg aq lakukan sekarang…..krn mereka bner” telah menyadarkanqu akan kehidupan yang sebenarnya…kehidupan yang penuh perjuangan……

kota kecil emang lebih kerasa kekeluargaannya…senang rasanya diingat orang..baik itu sodara ato pun orang lain spt mang becak ato mang baso….disenyumin orang..yg udah jarang ada dikota besar spt di jakarta ini,,ato disurabaya…klo disini orang senyum aja udah dicurigain…jgn” rampok nie orang….tp disana memberi kepada orang lain terasa lebih membahagiakan aq..termasuk ngasi senyum (pdhl jg ga manis” amat senyumnya..hehe)…yah kota kecil banjar emang selalu bkin kangen untuk kesana lagi…….

waktu itu hari senin tgl 28 juli sekitar jabis subuh…ngobrol” sm mami…”ada libur sebentar ini coba mengunjungi sodara” di kampung halaman mami”…nu experience to travel by myself…by train….for d’first time…dan aq bilang bolehlah…ga sampe 2 hari ini…saat itu jg aq rencana brkt mlmnya…dg rencana hari rabu udah dirumah lgy…

jadilah aq berangkat mljm 18.00..naik kereta jurusan surabaya-bandung..nanti turun di stasiun banjar sekitar jam 3 malem…harus cepet turunnya cz cm 5 menit keretanya brenti disana…spnjg mlm itu jelas ga bz tidur takut kebablasan..paz jam 3 aq ngerasain kereta mulai brenti…dan aq siap” turun…tapiii……..aq baru aja nyampe ujung gerbong..kerasa tuh kereta dah jalan lagi….dan begitu nyampe dipintu aq ngeliat stasiun mulai menjauh….TIDAKK…..stasiun yang harusnya aq turun kelewatan!!!

otakqu tiba” nyuruh aq untuk “loncat aja cha!!” mampus!! turun dimana ini..hal pertama yg dilakukan..aq lari ke arah lokomotif dg harapan bz ketemu masinis truz nyuruh brenti mendadak truz atret ke stasiun yg td kelewatan (hahaha…goblokk…lo kata metromini apa suruh brenti mendadak!!)…hal kedua yg aq lakukan adalah….nangis….truz tlp papi….hahahaha….gobloknya!……tapi alhamdulillah pertolongan Allah datang gitu aja….jadi secara ga sengaja aq segerbong dg orang ESQ..dan paz brkt papi sempet ntipin aq keorang yang baik hati itu…dan bapak tersebut amanah sekali..bner” ngejagain aq…..jadi beliau dengan rasionalitas yg lebih tinggi dr pd aq mencari kondekturnya untuk nanya kejelasan….

bapak itu datang bersama kondektur membawa kabar gembira….ternyata yg tadi itu bukan stasiun yg harusnya aq turun ternyata masi setengah jam lgy baru nyampe stasiun yang aq maksud…….huaaaaahhhh….rasanya pgn sujud sukur disitu….gilaa…secara baru pertama naek kereta seumur”..ga lucu aja klo kebawa entah kemana..klo tiba” nyampenya di stasiun london peron 9 3/4 kn ga lucu……

akhirnya saya berhasil turun dengan selamat dibanjar…disana sudah dijemput sama uwa…wah kangennya lama ga ketemu…..dan hari” selanjutnya…aq ga pernah ngebayangin…………

i found this topic from one of the articles of oprah magz….many women r lookin’ for love in all d’wrong places,,Rabbi Shmuley says. Nice guys do exist..u just have 2 want 2 find them n know wer 2 look,,he says… he shares his list of d’top locations wer women who r lookin’ 4 serious relationships can meet Mr. Right….

here’s d’best places 2 find a gud man :

1. tempat peribadatan (masjid, gereja, dll) : disana anda akan menemukan pria dengan kecenderungan spritual yang tinggi..
2. toko buku : disini anda akan menemukan pria dengan intelligent
3. acara charity : sukarelawan yang bekerja pada organisasi amal dan menghadiri acara amal adalah orang” yang mempunyai hati yang lembut…
4. date yang diatur oleh teman : teman anda akan sangat memilah orang yang akan dikenalkan pada anda…
5. in the military : militer biasanya menarik pria baik..lagi pula mereka itu adalah hero,,u know..pria dengan sense of mission yang tinggi..
6. dalam lingkungan kerja : dalam sebuah kantor yang serius biasanya terdapat pria yang seripus pula, pekerjakeras, dan respectful…yang kemungkinan besar tidak akan memelototi bagian dalam bajumu..dan tentunya mereka tidak akan meledak dalam sebuah bar….dan mereka akan selalu ada in ur backyard….
7. perpustakaan : suasana yang tenang..setting yang kontemplatif…biasanya menarik pria dengan intelektual tinggi….
8. concert hall : temukan pria yang berbudaya..yang mencintai musik pada tempat ini….
9. pernikahan : dalam acara pernikahan terdapat atmosfir romantis yang besar…..dan pria yang phobia terhadap komitmen biasanya menjauhi tempat ini…
10. lectures dan debates : beberapa event seperti ini biasanya menarik pria dengan kualitas tinggi….
11. coffeehouses dan poetry recitals : temukan pria baik dan sensitive yang biasanya mengunjungi tempat” ini secara teratur…..

well…anyway….
“A good man, while not easy to find, is possible as long as you look in the right places, and the right places mean venues that foster purpose, compassion, hard work and spiritual commitment.”

since artati and faizal have wrote their ‘thank u’ words in their blog..nah skrg adalah giliranqu buat nulis di blog ga berguna ini….

Ucapan terima kasih penulis sampaikan kepada:

· Bapak Rully Soelaiman, M.Kom, ayah untukku yang banyak menginspirasi, terima kasih untuk waktu, bimbingan, motivasi, dan nasehat yang berharga selama ini.

· Ibu Mahendrawathi ER, Ph.D, dosen pembimbing yang telah memberikan waktu dan perhatiannya.

· Semua Bapak dan Ibu Dosen Pengajar beserta staf dan karyawan di Program Studi Sistem Informasi, FTIF ITS Surabaya yang telah memberikan ilmu dan bantuan kepada penulis selama ini.

· Papi dan Mami, terima kasih untuk doa dan dukungan penuhnya, orangtua dan sahabat terbaik untuk kaka’.

· Adekku Nadya Bavaria atas kasih sayang dan bantuannya, Euceu’ Reni dan nephew Kevin yang selalu menghibur dikala suntuk.

· Lots of thx to : Mitu sebagai editorku, Num yang selalu bikin ketawa, Nopal & Faizal yang udah direpotin benerin laptop =P, Wah yg udah ngoreksi cara presentasiku, Koles yang udah bantuin di Matlab dan seringkali ngalah kompi labta, Sanny buat semangat “right in front of me” dan stok lagu mellow-nya, Artati yg udah rela ditanya-tanyain trus, ‘Ntil atas persahabatan terindah, dan buat Ronnie my buddy thx buat semuanya, temen” ngantri bimbingan, Andini, Ndun, Pipi, Gita, Krisna, Chamz,semangat ya kalian semua…. Buat yang lainnya terima kasih atas dukungan dalam bentuk apapun, yang maunya disebutin satu-satu =).

· Seluruh Narsiis 2004 atas kenangan indah dan persaudaraan yang semoga tidak berhenti sampai disini.

· My Lupietupie yang sudah bertahan melewati ngedump, deadpixel dan broken fan, my black Alcor..may u rest in peace, dan my nu mate, Terrie.

· Mitra aka Mimit ma Whita…thx ya buat doa jarak jauhnya, buat shoppingnya, buat curhatnya, buat semuanya deh…abiz gini qta ketemuan yah…kangeeennn….

· Dito my brudder..gudluck 4 whatever u do now..cant wait to see ya soon…

· Adhie Rakhmadi, the one who trusted me for sharing those stories, for being there when i fell down, for those advices and spirit, for these laugh and smiles.. Thx anyway.

· Serta semua pihak yang tidak dapat disebutkan satu persatu yang telah ikut membantu baik secara langsung maupun tidak langsung selama penulisan tugas akhir ini

klo ada yg ga kesebut, bilang aja..ntar ditambahin lagi….mumpung belum di jilid nih bukunya…hehehe