He Says He Loves Me

An early clue that you’re involved with a manipulative man, is that he is likely to demand all your time and prevent you from seeing your friends and family.

“He’ll become quite uncomfortable if you spend time with friends or family without him there. He also wants to know every detail of what you do when you’re not together.”

Later, these men will often discourage women from getting up in the night for a child and they will stop the mother from comforting children — and as a result the children develop attachment disorders.

McMillan warns against thinking you can ‘cure’ or help these men, and says never to believe them if they say they’ll change.

Language watch
These men tend to portray themselves as ‘saviours’. While it may seem exciting to be swept off your feet by a ‘hero’, McMillan advises women to take the early part of a relationship slowly.

“On the first, second or third date he will start calling you his girlfriend or his future wife. Or he tells you your problems will go away if you’re with him,” McMillan says. “Beware of anything that is too much or too soon.”

Abusers make promises to lure women and get them to commit quickly. “He tells you that you’re special and different from any other woman, but he barely knows you,” warns McMillan. “Also, listen to what and how he criticises. Look for how he talks about his ex. He is likely to say she ‘betrayed’ him.”

Rules to remember
To avoid getting caught, McMillan says don’t look for a man to save you. “Save your trust until you know someone well. And hold your emotions back a bit,” she says. “If there’s some part of you that feels, ‘I’m not sure, is he holding something back?’ give yourself some space. Don’t spend all your time with him.

“When you are with people constantly you are not able to process information properly. This is actually a manipulative ploy he uses to stop you from seeing him clearly.”

To stay out of harm’s way, McMillan advises judging men by what they do rather than just what they say.

“Work out what he finds funny,” she recommends. “Go to a comedy club or watch a funny film. Laughter is hard to control. If someone laughs at something you find offensive, you have fundamentally different views.

“Take him around people who know you well. Does your family or friends like him? Are your friends and family concerned about you?”

Be ever vigilant
Although you might think abusive men do not go after strong, independent women, they do. McMillan says they target all types.

“Don’t think you are too smart to get caught. Your confidence won’t save you. These methods will work on anyone,” she says.

“Some women believe that if they just give in to this guy, everything will be alright. But studies have found that if someone manipulates you, their respect and affection for you decline significantly. He will care for you less if you let him get away with it,” McMillan points out.

Warning signs
When you first meet a man, watch out for these clues. If you recognise any of them, step back and think again. It may be best to walk away from him.

• He starts to discuss your future together in a definite way very early in your relationship.
• He wants to make all the decisions about what you do together.
• He says you’d be beautiful or perfect if you’d just change — fill in the blank — about yourself.
• He tells you how to dress and behave when the two of you go out.
• He tries to isolate you from sources of emotional support such as your family and friends, often by taking up all of your time.
• He speaks negatively about a major group to which you belong, such as your sex, nationality, religion or ethnicity.
• He constantly draws attention to mistakes you make, and brings them up again, at a later time.
• He blames someone else for his mistakes.
• He punishes you with anger, emotional withdrawal or broken promises if he doesn’t get his way.
• You find yourself acting contrary to what feels right to you just to ‘keep the peace’.
• He expects to have rights he denies to you.

Taken from health.ninemsn.com.au