i’m in a huff

Huff.. i don’t know if i can pass this hard situation in my life. It’s been a while and i’m still not getting a (good) job (i got a few ones but..can’t work for stingy company anyway). And it’s getting worse, i have problem with my beloved persons too. I can’t just do what they want me to do, i need reasons why they don’t like him. He’s not perfect i know, but me neither. So what’s the problem now?

Sometimes life can be so beautiful, like when i met the love of my life. But sometimes it can be so deceiving, cruel, and cold just like now. Why it seems so hard to me but not to other people like my friends. Speaking about friends, this is one of my problem too, my best friend betrays me. Why she’s that easy to forget me,that’s the question i’ve been thinking of these days. I helped her got her way to reach her happiness, perhaps she now has someone to share her life with, so doesn’t need me anymore.

Maybe i have to sort these out on my own. What about him? Well he’s a good listener, very good listener and has been helping me alot too, but that just makes me feel bad more, because he’s always there when i need but on the other side i can’t do what he wants me to even for a small thing like go to somewhere with him, just the two of us. Why? My family won’t allow me of course, i kinda have to tell them a lie even for a small thing too like where he is now..i answer at sea everytime they ask. That’s a good thing for them because if he’s at sea so i can’t talk to him. Perfect! If only they know what i want, i’m only asking for one thing, i want them to be happy to see me happy with him. That’s all. He really is my sunshine, like a little spot of bright light in the end of my long dark tunnel.

It seems easy for everyone to reach their dreams, what they have been dreaming of, what they always wanted in their life. Well not always but still..looks not as hard as mine. I said to him once.. My sense of helplessness is overwhelming. That’s what i feel now. What i want to do is pull some massive emergency brake on the universe. Like i read on ‘Eat, Pray, Love’, she desperately wanted an answer..to tell her what to do. I want to call a timeout, to demand that everybody just stop until i can understand everything or at least until i can get the same thing as them. I suppose this urge to force this entire universe to stop in its tracks until i can get a grip on myself might have been the beginning of my emotional control issues. Sometimes i want to do some crazy things, like this afternoon i said to him, ‘can u please help me to get some information about fiancee visa, i want to move to Australia’. I just want to leave everything behind, i want to start a new life. Without them who always control my life or perhaps without a betrayer friend.

But then i rethink about that, i can’t just run to him and put everything on him. I just can’t do that to my much loved person. Of course my efforts and worries about how far i’m left behind are futile. People just walking me by, mind their own business (of course!). Time is chasing after me, the closer i watch time, the faster it spins, and that months go by so quickly that it makes my head hurt, and at the end of everyday i’m thinking, ‘another one gone’. And bursting into tears.

And that’s life. Never been so easy. Never been fair.